Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dodging a Bullet

Status: Happily alive.

What's playing on iTunes? STAND BY ME by Ben E. King

I almost died today.

Sounds dramatic, right? Perhaps a little exaggerated? Nope. Today, I almost bought it, and in spectacular fashion too.

There's a reason why mechanics, parents, and anybody with common sense or an aversion to procrastination tells you to change bald tires. If you don't, you could DIE.

Take today's little near death experience. I'm driving back from the city, merging from I684 to I84 in the sodden mess called New England weather, and took the ramp a little too fast. I feel myself begin to skid, make a small adjustment which evidently was too much, fishtailed a little bit more to the left, then waaaay too much to the right, and found myself doing a complete 360' right in the middle of the highway in oncoming traffic; in fact, I got the front license plates of the two tractor trailors bearing down on me, honking and swerving and challenging my bladder to remain sealed.

Fortunately, God loves me, because that's the only thing that saved my keester. Even my fabled panther-ninja skills weren't enough. Chronometric time as I knew it disintegrated. I had time to freak, pray, yank the emergency break and somehow spin perfectly to the side of the highway right into the breakdown lane while somehow avoiding obliteration. Well, almost perfectly; my back end was sticking out a little.

Trembling, wide-eyed and completely sprizzlefracked, I realized that I was still alive. Yippie-Skippies! Nothing like a little near death experience to get the juices flowing. Suddenly everything that was dragging me down didn't seem so heavy. After a couple of quick, shallow breaths I realize that an argument could be made that that was fricking AWESOME. Well, maybe awesome is not the right word, exhilarating perhaps? I dunno, something. Terrifying for sure, but...what a rush. In fact, that more I think about it, the more I realize that all that was missing was me rolling down my window and sticking out a Glock to fire on my villain pursuers! All right, that's the writer in me, but it was cuh-raazy! I haven't told my parents. I don't think I will. This will be a true test to whether or not they actually read my blogs.

Moral of the story? Don't be a Steve; procrastination is not your friend. Change your tires, drive safe in the rain, and be grateful for all that you have. Or there might be an angry tractor trailor in your future.

Oh, and guardian angels rock. Thanks, guardian angel. :)

Steve out.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Grr-factor

Status: Unabducted

What's playing on ipod?: DANCING SHOES by the Arctic Monkeys

Try this one out.

I'm all ready to go to my cousin's 18th birthday party (a cousin I haven't seen in several eons), I come to my car, and guess what's sitting in the driver's seat?

A big fu**ing rock.

And how did said rock arrive? Why, through the window of course. I must say, NY and my car seem to be in some kind of tiff, because I've been hit by an off duty cop who despite my freakishly fast reflexes reversed right into my grill, accumulated several parking tickets due to 'street washing' (yeah right), and then a nice, deep key-ing right in the hood of my car. Yup, I believe the exact terminology used by the vandals was 'Dick' (can you believe it? I'm such not a dick) and then yesterday...Mr. Rock.

But here's where the story get's interesting. I peer into my busted to merkatroits window, and the first thing I see (besides a bazillion fragments of glass) is two one dollar bills. Curious. I do a quick inventory and see that nothing is missing. My eyes go back to the two dollars. They're just sitting there, on top of the open, ransacked glove compartment door.

I'm gonna ask it. Why go through the trouble of a throwing a rock through a window, break in and enter, and then leave EVERYTHING? Especially two loosely rolled dollar bills that would have been so easy to just snatch; I mean they were right there.

And then I saw it. Sitting right next to the bills was a small, yellow card with neatly typed words. Every Sunday, my church (Calvary Fellowship in West Hartford, hoo-ya!) prints out a single verse relevant to the sermon preached on little yellow cards. This one evidently got away from me and slipped into the darkness of my overfilled glovebox. Lurking.

And then it pounced! Of course I'll never know exactly what stopped them from pilfering my belongings, but that little card was just sitting there. I think these guys just might have been God-fearing thieves.

Isn't that funny? I mean, how mad could I get?

Thanks God. You too Bill.

Steve out.

P.S. I would have preferred just a pic but evidently freezing a snapshot from a video on an iPhone is tougher than I first surmised...