What's playing on the iPhone? YOUR NECK by Alkaline Trio
I am not an actor. I've never wanted to be one, the very thought of it puckers my stomach and on a scale of 1-10 I'd estimate my aversion to acting a nice solid 9. Maybe even 9.2. Stage terror.
It's ironic, I'm a very social person, i think if nobody was ever actually going to see me act, I'd be great. If it wasn't for those pesky audiences. Anywho, I find nothing pleasant about the squadrons of butterflies armed with sidewinder missiles that bombard my innards right before having to perform, or give a talk, or...act. We hates it prrr-ecious!
So, you can imagine my initial alarm when a friend of mine approached me about a church play she was writing. I immediately looked at her and criss-crossed my index fingers to ward off any attempts to recruit me to acting, but no fear, she simply wanted my opinion on the writing aspect of it. Now that's a different story. Of course I know nothing of stage writing, or do they call that playwriting? Either way, I write novels, which is a completely different animal, but hey, why not?
Famous last words.
As it turns out, the MAIN character of my friend's play abruptly had to go to another country (China, I think) for work. When Jen told me, I was like, 'that's terrible, what are you going to do?' I thought my uninvolvement was self evident but....guess who she asked? And I was like, 'no way, not in a hundred quadrillion years'. And that's final.
Or so I thought. Evidently Jen can talk a rabid wolverine into having tea with a grumpy rhinocer0s with hemorrhoids. I told her that ONLY after she asked everybody in the whole universe FIRST that I would even consider it....
Think she found anybody? You so smaht. Of course she didn't, plus she was like, 'you're perfect for the role' and 'you know all the lines'. Barfballs. So with EXTREME trepidation I agreed. Kicking and screaming.
It's an epic story, but I'll be succinct. We rehearsed a lot. To my considerable dismay, not only was I the lead but I had a lot of lines. Like a hundred and twenty! I had to remember all of them! And anybody who knows me knows that that my memory...is not my biggest strength. What in God's good name did I get myself into??
True, I grew as a person. And got to make two new dear friends (Jean! Jen!) but it didn't change the fact that I still didn't want to do that play. It was going to be a fiasco, I was certain of it. I just wasn't ready. I KNEW I wasn't ready, and I was the lead and I was going to bomb and I wasn't looking forward to it. At all.
But, hark! Divine intervention--A SNOWSTORM!!! The play was cancelled. For me it was beams of sunshine...no play! No terror! Of course, I didn't dare admit to my friends but I was so gloriously happy that went outside and did snowangels.
As an afterthought, (I should have kept my trap shut) I said, 'maybe next year'. And then I forget about the whole thing. Until November 26th....